And now it appears that I have really upset the author of the comic “Feminist Dad” which is a comic satirising the idea that when men father daughters they become born again feminists. The author feels that I have bullied her and tried to force her to ban men from her blog. This is based on my problematising the inclusion of men in feminist discussion after the resident men reacted badly to the comic.
Anyway, it’s got me thinking about other times when I’ve been in similar situations and speaking the brutal truth about gender-based oppression and gender relations. Lesbian separatist theory holds that heterosexuality is a main institution of patriarchy. And that women who receive the privilege and (relative) safety of being heterosexual will always, when it comes right down to the nitty gritty, side with men against their lesbian sisters. We see this played out repeatedly on the internet these days and it’s often interpreted as “defence of men”, that our straight sisters behave as they have been socialised to according to gender roles – as carers and nurturers. I’ve interpreted it this way myself when trying to analyse social interactions that have ended in someone being upset.
But I know that not all hetero feminists fall into this trap. There are radical feminists on the net who don’t do this and who are not male-identified and have given up their investment in het privilege. This got me wondering why do some (or most, it appears) hetero feminists do this? And if it were about just adherence to the rigid gender roles forced onto women in patriarchal society, then why don’t hetero feminists feel as responsible for caring about their lesbian sisters, who they surely understand to be less privileged (and more hated) than they are?
I think it’s about preserving privilege rather than wanting to defend/take care of, men. I say this because I have several straight friends whom I have known for upwards of twenty years, one has been my friend for forty one years. I love them; they love me. They respect my work and my passion for women’s freedom. But each of them has, over the years, when forced to choose between defending or siding with me or defending/siding with a man, they have all, at times, chosen man. But not necessarily a man they care about, or a man whom they are financially dependent upon, in fact none of them are financially dependent on a man. In fact, all of them see men very much the same way I do. All of them have experienced, as I have, violence, abuse, harassment and discrimination at the hands of men individually and collectively. They know the extent of the vile shit that men are capable of doing to us, and the truth of the whole stinking system we are stuck in, and behind closed doors they share my disdain.
But publicly, if it has ever come down to it, and it rarely does anymore because I actively avoid those situations IRL now, they will sacrifice me in favour of het privilege. Not in favour of taking care of an individual man, but in the interests of holding onto that privilege. This is why lesbian and some radical feminists advocate separatism – because most straight women will always protect the bit of privilege they have, in order to survive. The rise of neoliberalism must surely have made this response much worse. This is why radicals have women-only spaces; because having men in our spaces prevents us from achieving feedom for all women. This is also, presumably, why most straight feminists side with men in demonising women-only spaces on and offline. If they don’t they risk the privilege they have as individuals.
We see this happening in online feminist spaces that include men and male-identified women. It’s all well and good until male-identified feminists perceive themselves as being forced to choose – they choose their privilege. And don’t the men reward them for it?
This is a long response – apologies.
You’re probably right. Often, I see it as an attack on ME and my heterosexuality, even though I believe it’s something I could probably opt out of had I not gotten involved in a relationship with a man. In the end, however, I don’t like defending men as a class or as beneficiaries of the patriarchy, but I sometimes feel obligated to defend MY men, like my lover (whom I’ve dated for upwards of 7 years) and any other male in my life…at other times I feel obligated to defend myself and my choices, the choice to remain heterosexual – and in that respect to actually love a man deeply – , the choice to hate or dislike other INDIVIDUAL women (but most certainly not women as my global sisters), and the choice to continuously be around men. Sometimes I can’t relate to ANYBODY. And I often feel alone in this. And I’m sure many other feminists can relate to me, though, in saying that it’s difficult, it’s difficult for some women to be a separatist due to the situations they find themselves in (you can take a lot of Muslim women, for example, sometimes they can’t utter the word feminist without some bloke in their tribe getting pissed off). But you know Linda, I still KNOW men are bad for me, for us, and I still make efforts to avoid them where I can, their opinions, their politics, their philosophies as much as I possibly can. Maybe I’m not doing enough, or maybe I’ve completely missed the point, I don’t know.
Having said all that – I don’t understand why I feel obligated to defend myself in being heterosexual because I’ve never actually been asked to explain it, and I’ve never been criticised for it or looked down upon. I suppose it has something to do with wanting to fit in, to be respected amongst women who know what they’re talking about and not wanting to be disrespected for being straight. But as I’ve never actually been disrespected for it (save for a lesbian at work, but she doesn’t seem like a feminist at all), ergo perhaps it is me wanting to maintain my privilege. Because you’re right and I’m willing to admit it (and please don’t think I need to be acquitted just because I’ve openly admitted something), I would sooner disrespect a woman than disrespect my boyfriend BUT I can’t say that applies for just any man, without that relation, I’d like to think I’d side with you and feminists/lesbians/radfems rather than men.
Sorry for the long post.
Hi Random Woman, thanks for taking the time to post such a thoughtful comment. Many of us reading here would understand your feelings of alienation regarding awareness of the “deal with the devil” aspect of surviving in patriarchy. And even lesbian women have men in their lives, as neighbours, colleagues, brothers, fathers etc. It’s quite possible to capitulate to men in order to be safe (ish) while still being aware of the toxicity of patriarchy. It doesn’t have to be either or.
Random Woman
Feminists do tend to be hard on themselves for having to do what it takes to survive in a toxic system.
I myself found that I was able to practise my feminist principles much more easily when my husband and I were a couple. However, when I became a mother, it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I found that society has a whole different sense of morality towards mothers – blaming them for just about every evil in the world while giving them virtually NO social supports to lean on. I found that I had to lean much more heavily on my husband – financially, emotionally and professionally. Pivotal decisions about money, lifestyle, jobs etc gradually moved out of my sphere of influence and into my husband’s. So too, my life succumbed to housework/shopping creep, because I was the principal carer by default.
However, feminism provided me with a vital roadmap for understanding why this was happening to me and, when the time was right, how to finally claw back the things that motherhood took from me. Feminism is not so much a lifestyle; it’s more tool for understanding, addressing – and ultimately changing – the distribution of power across the genders.
Linda
In some ways I envy lesbian women, because their sexuality does provide a kind of buffer against insidious patriachal privilege creep – a buffer that hetro women don’t have. Cold comfort I know, given all the other shit that lesbian women have to put up with. But I thought it was worth mentioning.
No. Lesbian women live in patriarchy just like our het sisters do. We have male bosses, neighbours, relatives etc. We have woman-hating brothers and fathers. We are discriminated against by a male system. We get male attention on the street in a different way – usually along the lines of “Fuckin’ dyke!” accompanied by shoves and death stares. My partner has had eggs thrown at her from cars driven by vicious males.
Some of our het sisters DO have a choice – they can choose to not co-habit with males, not bear their children, wash their clothes, do the mental labour of their lives etc. They can fuck them if that’s what really does it for them, without giving up their lives for them.