Hello! How dare we suggest that they not partner with men anymore?
This is what I Blame The Patriarchy has deteriorated into since the great transquestioner eradication project. It’s all full of that 101 femininity-defending and nigel-defending that you see on the funfemmie blogs. In other words, it’s become a hell of a lot more male-identified. How strange, that the peeps who are left there, the so-called pro-trans peeps, are the male-identified ones. Is anyone surprised at that? Not me.
According to some there, the desire to fuck dudes is their natural instinct rather than the result of a life time of male hegemony and social enforcement. It’s apparently mean of lesbians to suggest that perhaps they are helping to perpetuate patriarchy by identifying so strongly with their oppressors.
In the interests of avoiding the dualism patriarchy loves, maybe we could envision something in between marriage and the sexual/domestic servitude that accompanies it, and lesbian separatism. Just humour me for a moment.
When het feminists say “Hey I’m het! I like sex with males!” I want to say this in response:
Have your dude sex if you like it. Personally I can’t understand how any woman with even mild feminist awareness could stomach the thought of consensual sexual intimacy with a man, but that’s just me. If you want to do that stuff in your spare time, that’s your business. But. Why can you not just leave it at that? Why not just sex? Why do you have to also co-habit with a dude and become his carer as well? That’s the part that saps your time and energy and wears you down into identifying with male interests.
That energy could be used in forging social ties with other women. It could be used in supporting other women to access social resources that are denied them under patriarchy. It could be used to facilitate your own access to social resources! Meaningful work, study, pursuit of your own unique talents, developing your own identity. It could be harnessed in pursuit of human rights activism and social justice for all. The spare time you would have left over could be used for other women’s company, for friendships and laughter. It could go to strengthening feminist revolution! Hell. You don’t have to be having sex with women in order to enjoy their company. What a shame that het women have internalised this very patriarchal view of themselves and other women; the view that the only meaningful relationships are sexual ones.
But het women can’t seem to just have the sex. Heterosexual relations seem to incrementally mould women into the subservience that men and patriarchy require; it brainwashes them. In this way heterosexual relations are toxic for women, all women. They might deny that they are Stepford wives, and clearly this is true for many of them as can be evidenced by the excellent feminist commentary that comes from them. But. Just because they can manage to have sex with men and still think feminist thoughts, doesn’t mean that the relations are good for them. Just because they like having sex with men doesn’t mean it’s good for them. Not if, as I said, it goes part and parcel with the full brainwashing deal; the deal that prevents them from using their talent and their energy and resources for a real feminist revolution, as opposed to the fauxrevolution that is the femisphere. It is the strong identification with the oppressor class that keeps women too exhausted for feminist activism. When you suggest to het feminists that they could be more political, more committed to activism and sociostructural change, they sometimes get kinda snippy. Then they think we’re being unfair to them, because they are doing the best that they can under patriarchy and it’s ‘unfeminist’ to suggest they do more. The reason they don’t feel that they can do more is because they’re too busy taking care of nigels and hence maintaining patriarchy.
I wonder if they ever stop to consider that maybe there is a whole other, more meaningful, life waiting for them on the other side of that husband/boyfriend/penis. A life so satisfying that they would hardly notice the absence of a little thing like a dick.
Het feminists are deluding themselves that their personal sexual relations with men are harmless and only impacting on them as individuals. Those attachments are NOT harmless. They are stealing the energy needed to free all women from male power and tyranny.
“Why not just sex? Why do you have to also co-habit with a dude and become his carer as well? That’s the part that saps your time and energy and wears you down into identifying with male interests.”
It’s the whole romance myth. Most women crave to experience romantic love and even armed with feminist awareness find it hard to give that up. I craved it, up until I realized that none of the dudes I knew were worthy of my love, romantic or otherwise.
It’s also about the perceived safety of partnering. In our society the narrative is that people pair up, friends drift away, and your romantic partner is then the most important person in your life, the one who takes care of you when you’re sick and the one who will be your companion when you’re old. Of course, it rarely works out that way for women. But because of that narrative, there’s a fear of ending up alone implicit in “spinsterhood”.
Also, I’d like to ask you something personal. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, of course (not that I need to tell you that). And I’m not asking to be defensive of straight relationships (I’m a separatist), just to get a better understanding of your position. Because, while I staunchly believe women need to stop pairing up with men, I don’t find it the least bit surprising that they’re so resistant to the idea.
Anyway, here it is: as a lesbian, do you have a romantic partner? Would you like to have one (one day)? How important is that to you? How much would it disappoint you if you realized you couldn’t ever have one? What do you think of romantic love in general (divorced from the concept of patriarchy… unless of course you think it’s entirely a fabrication of the patriarchy)?
An excellent post, with many excellent points.
the great transquestioner eradication project
GTEP? LOL, hosted at the now IBTRF!
they think we’re being unfair to them, because they are doing the best that they can under patriarchy and it’s ‘unfeminist’ to suggest they do more. The reason they don’t feel that they can do more is because they’re too busy taking care of nigels and hence maintaining patriarchy.
Totally spot-on.
Why can you not just leave it at that? Why not just sex? Why do you have to also co-habit with a dude and become his carer as well?
Yes indeedy.
Short time reader, second-time commenter–sorry I didn’t introduce myself before.
“Yes indeedy,” twice!
At the moment I’m firmly in the “not missing a little thing like a dick” camp, but I was married for nine years, and everything about the inside of my head was different then. It does brainwash us.
Thanks FAB. I considered calling it the Twisty Solution but changed my mind.
Hi Laurel, I’m, sorry I didn’t publish you before. I just didn’t know you and your blog tells me nothing about you. You came at a bad time when I had a few unwanted lurkers.
Hi Anna, as a formerly bi woman, I do know the reasons they stay. I guess the point of my post was to encourage feminists to at least consider giving up their het privilege because life really is better without all that leeching that men do when they have access to a personal carer. I have several straight friends who have discovered this, after leaving nigels and going on to start careers and develop some financial independence that would never have been possible with a nigel in tow. Women don’t realise how much energy they waste on them until after they stop. I expect feminist women to be open to hearing that.
As for romance, it’s a crock and I have no time for it. It’s like the old pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, a myth sold to straight women to lure them into patriarchy’s primary exploitation unit, marriage, where they can get on with the job of being what patriarchy needs them to be – unpaid fucktoys, carers, labourers and reproducers. The romance charade reduces us to vacuous grovellers who can be persuaded by the promise of little shiny things in return for all that exploitation.
the promise of little shiny things
Thank fuck I am not really into jewellery!
Or menz…
(but yeah, got sucked into for way too long before coming to my senses)
Hey Linda, thanks for answering all that. I got your post (and think it was brilliant). I was just curious about all that because I’ve seen a lot of incredulity in the radfem blogosphere at how hard it is for most straight women to come to grips with separatism. To me it’s exasperating, but I think there’s nothing incredible about it. With all my feminist awareness, it took me ages to come to terms with separatism, and years more to stop lamenting the impossibility of romantic love for me.
I have no idea if romantic love is complete crock, but I’m certainly not bothered about it any more because I’ve come to see through the myth that your romantic partner is The One in your life, and everyone else plays distant supporting roles. I just sometimes fear the day all my closest friends pair off, because I know no feminist awareness is going to stop them. Our relationships are strong now, but I do have my fears that they might drift away then.
Totes, Anna. That myth about The One is what isolates us and cuts us off from our broader support networks and makes us far more likely to get stuck there wiping nigel’s bottom every day.
My friends are all either lesbians or straight women who have been divorced, mostly women I know through uni and/or work, women who see the misery male attachments cause women on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I can’t hang out voluntarily with straight married women because they are so attuned to being wives that they are boring to me, or they make my head explode every five minutes with their rubbish talk. I struggle enough with straight married colleagues.
That myth about The One is what isolates us and cuts us off from our broader support networks and makes us far more likely to get stuck there wiping nigel’s bottom every day.
Dammit woman, you totally stole what I was gunna say!
That’s cos I is bad-ass. But I should have also said that it’s how abusive and violent situations are able to flourish.
Yes you are, LOL.
The isolation thing is one that allows a lot of or total control, as you say, a breeding ground for abusive and violent relationships.
The theme popping up over the last few FCM thread comments has been isolation, cutting off the inter-generational links (primarily matriarchical links), and it is a deliberate strategy. It is a partial ‘divide and conquer’ [of women] strategy – the isolation, but also limited access to previous generational knowledge means that het women have to learn most about het relationships, the dynamics, the Nigel tactics, on their own. By the time they figure it out, the damage is well and truly done.
I totally agree with everything you’ve said. And I’m in a het relationship. The thing that’s sort of unquantifiable and non-linear about love, long-term relationships and general feelings of bondedness–at least in this hetero feminist-minded relationship–is that I’d never have known your blog or all the other radical and/or separatist feminists if it wasn’t for my boyfriend. Sometimes inspiration strikes at inconvenient-to-the-life-you’re-living moments.
He was sending me links to y’all and it took months for me to finally start clicking on them and reading them. Because even though I’ve been a student and lover of second wave radical feminists, and self-identified as a radical feminist for awhile now, I was not ready to admit that trans-politics are not compatible with any sort of emancipatory theory for women. Because of him I finally got off the capitulator’s fence and that is how I am right now reading this post!
So, it’s not perfect, not ideal, I’m hyper-aware of the patriarchy-based deal we have struck. I agree completely that if I were starting from scratch today as a radical feminist I’d not date men at all, not interested, done away with that socialization, bored of men completely. But it’s messy stupid love and now I read Linda Radfem.
(He just this second walked into the room holding his Sheila Jeffreys book, saying, “This lady knows her stuff!” Ha.)
Apologies, Linda; the fault is mine. I read your entire blog and sort of left this one…dropping somewhere. I’ve lurked on various feminist sites for years, rarely commenting, and I finally decided to join the conversation recently, so I’m learning manners. I do have a couple of vaguely active blogs, but they’re new and have little/nothing to do with radfem.
The last relationship I had with a man was an improvement over previous ones because…well, let’s let Nigel speak for himself. When I told him I was done, he said “You sure had this relationship on your terms, didn’t you? [beat] Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” The idea had never occurred to him before. That was the only “relationship” I’ve had in which I was involved with a man while identifying as a woman, and I’m 46. I was able to do it because I didn’t love him, made every conscious effort not to love him, and was one hundred per cent honest about that.
Even though those were my terms, and even though it was a long distance thing, holding him at arm’s length (because I wanted to have fun and get laid and he craved marriage) sapped my energy. The best relationship I ever had with a man in that sense was a purely pals/fuckbuddies thing I had when I was decades younger…and even that was not done right, because we were both cheating on other people.
Can it be done right? I don’t know. I’m always been an outspoken, no cosmetics, non-shaving Greer-reading type, yet I’ve never quite been able to negotiate a romantic relationship to my satisfaction. I don’t mean I expect some idealized, no-conflict bliss; I mean I’ve never been involved with a man without having to put some vital part of me aside for his sake while he did no such thing for me.
I’ve concluded I can’t be at peace with myself and in love with a man at the same time.
“I’ve concluded I can’t be at peace with myself and in love with a man at the same time.”
Exactly. It’s impossible for me to even have a male friend anymore. Years ago when I first began to ‘transition’ to radical feminist (let’s reclaim that word shall we?) all my male friends disappeared one by one. Even friends who I had hung out with, drank beer with, played pool with since high school. Friends who had always shown great respect for my opinions even. The more butch I became in my personal presentation and the more feminist I became, the less valued my friendship became. *shrug* I guess while I was femme and not so feminist, there was always the possibilty of sex (in their minds). Or maybe they were just embarrassed to be seen with a dyke, I don’t know or care.
The thing is, while there is unequal gender power relations in the macro, there will never be equal gender relations in the micro, and as long that is the case, then those of us with any feminist thought will never find het relations satisfying.
I love my son, but I know we will lose each other eventually.
FAB, yeah we are so cut off from each other, not just physically, but discursively (is that a word?) through our erasure from history books, art, media etc.
Radfemcrafts, I hope your guy understands that it may not be in his interests for his partner to read Linda Radfem. He’s been warned.
It’s impossible for me to even have a male friend anymore.
For me it was generally just seeing males for what they are, how they think, how they behave. When my radfem consciousness reached critical mass, there was not even any desire for male companionship of any kind. Why on earth would I want to hang about with thieves, thugs, murders and rapists? Even the best of them are “associates” to the thieves, thugs, murders and rapists.
Many many years before reaching that point, I was raped by a dude whom I regarded as “a mate”. So it did not take much more decision-making after that point. Can’t trust them. Just like I would trust a trained tiger not to turn if he was in a mood to.
I doubt they can be reformed. The only thing we can do is try to convince other women to stay away from the danger and not get trapped by het relationships and kids and stuff.
Just like I would trust a trained tiger not to turn if he was in a mood to.
Should be “not trust a trained tiger…”
I agree they can’t be reformed. They are becoming ever more aggressive in their misogyny every year.
“The theme popping up over the last few FCM thread comments has been isolation”
Creepily, something happened at uni today that ties in with those threads, and another one that I think I might have seen at UP’s about impregnation being the point of rape.
I’m in my 4th and final year so we all know each other pretty well now, and there are two young people in the course who last year some time became a couple. Since then they have been joined at the hip, holding hands through tuts and everything. He makes a point of having these loud, performative conversations with her for everyone to hear, just so we all know that she is his woman now. And she rarely ever speaks up in tuts anymore. Anyway, today he announced that as an April Fool’s joke he’s going to tell her parents that she is pregnant. Har fucking har. I told him that an unwanted pregnancy might only seem funny while he was in no danger of having one, but it did make me think about those threads. Men love the idea of being able to immobilise us.
Then to counter this, we have the trope about women using pregnancy to entrap men. It’s the fucking other way around.
we have the trope about women using pregnancy to entrap men. It’s the fucking other way around.
Yep, I think this is a critical point. Far more females are entrapped due to preganancy than the other way around. It’s patriarchy projection again, they do it all the fucking time.
If dudes were genuinely concerned about ‘being trapped by a woman getting pregnant’, they have within their means a fairly reliable way to stop it, use a fucking condom. Getting dudes to wear condoms is like trying to take the cat to the vet, it’s kicking and screaming all the way.
Secretly, that is their agenda, impregnation. Does not matter if they want to stick around or not, they usually manage to piss off if they don’t want to hang around. Before DNA testing, they used to insist the kid belonged to ‘some other dude’.
Impregnation works for them. If he wants to ensure some woman commits to him, he can get her pregnant to speed things up. If he doesn’t give a shit about her, he can get her pregnant to fuck up her life – this is why abortion rights are always under attack. Of course, even if abortion or EC is available to her, there is the worry, the stress, and taking/having that stuff is not exactly a picnic.
Males are really a waste of space. Women should not be putting time and energy in their direction. And any male, even the nicest Nigel, is high maintenance as far as time, energy and emotional needs. Don’t even get me started on their fragile little egos that we have to tiptoe around.
Pingback: Projection … and reversals | twanzphobic since forever
Interesting or telling or something that those on that thread who are complaining the loudest and longest that they’re being dissed for being with Nigels are two of the most syncophantist of IBTRF sycophants. It’s always bugged the crap outta me that they think they know that “advanced blaming” means: We rily, rily love you, Twisteeeeee!!!! Then they throw the concept at commenters on that thread who actually are engaged in advanced blaming. It’s all outrageous and very maddening. (That and nails saying, well teh gays suck, too, so there. IBTL!!!)
Linda, I don’t know if you’re still following the thread at IBTP, but, in case you’re not, the conversation is still going on (at an extremely slow pace), and it’s just crazy. So far, advising women not to shack up with Nigels of their own has been called (quoting from memory): 1) patriarchal dom’n'sub games, 2) not minding your own beeswax 3) religious wingnut-style bullshit 4) blaming patriarchy on women and their “ladeebranez”.
Well, if so, why do we bother thinking critically about anything? Why do we try to convince funfems of the harms of porn and prostitution? Why are we trying to think of ways to bring down the patriarchy? That’s just so rude and pushy and nosy of us. I mean, why don’t we all just politely shut up and mind our own beeswax?
Noan, yes the sycophancy has bugged me for ages now.
Anna, I have not been back to look at it but I am not surprised at the way in which it has deteriorated into funfeminism. That such shit should come from IBTP, an acronym which has long been synonymous with radical feminist analysis, is really disappointing.
but I am not surprised at the way in which it has deteriorated into funfeminism.
Nor I. It is par for the course after a twanz takeover (or a mozzer takeover for that matter). Look at the F-Word, any actual feminism that gets through is purely accidental.
After a twanz invasion of a radfem blog, it quickly degenerates into funfeminism and mozzer stuff, because that is where the tranz alliance is.
Stats are always up dramatically as the ‘war’ breaks out, a few months after the twanz invasion has been a success, the blog is left in tatters with a tiny number of commenters.
Radfems need to really ask the question, where does the twanz alliance really lie? Because the answer is they are friends to funfems and mozzers. Surely that should set off radfem alarm bells?
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Radfems are not exempt from this.
This is a fantastic article. I am in a het partnership but i do not want to get moulded into any form of subservience. I’ve been with my Nigel for 6 years but i dont intend to move in with him or get pregnant with any child EVER. What’s so fucking ridiculous is that literally everyone i speak to expects me to do one of these two things in the next three or four years. And it’s hard to explain to those conformists that not all people follow the same path in life. But yeah, i am so fucking sick of stupid people that think heterosexuality is the only way to go and what the world needs is more heterosexual partnerings and more babies. People just cannot see things from outside of their little box. Really pisses me off. It’s like, do i have to have to start hanging out at lesbian bars to speak to intelligent people?
The trap which is a hetero. partnering can snap shut at any moment. So, I’m on guard.
I’m a lesbian. And I HATE men. I’ve not been abused or anything like that. On the contrary, my dad is immensely compassionate and caring about his family. The thing is… I just can’t cease hating every other male. I’ve repeatedly spoken with my mum about all the suppression we are suffering in light of patriarchy and all she says is “you’re crazy!” and “who am I to change what hasn’t been changed by other people”. I ask her “yes, but WHO are these other people and WHY they DON’T want it to change???” Holy smokes! Straight women, WAKE F****** UP! Your brainwashed!!
I suppose my case is the ‘unicorn’ case, I’m bisexual, in a hetero-partnership with a non-patriarchal male who truly does love me, and is as much of a radfem as I am. Both of us have cogent analyses of patriarchy and take care of each other – in short he’s an honest feminist, I have one other male friend who’s as much of an honest, critical feminist (I know and met him in person at an activist event). I suppose one’s experience on the internet with males pretending to be feminist will be overwhelming because it’s a great place to, to use old gamer forum parlance, “increase one’s e-peen” while using it instrumentally to pick up and add to the Nice Guy resume.
If a female is boffing a male, due to this romantic involvement she really cannot see him for his true self. I want a £1 for every time a feminist says “but my Nigel is a truly exceptional Nice Guy and is pro-feminist”. I’d be fucking rich.
Truly Nice Guys make up far less than 1% of the male population. Sure, you might really be screwing one, but chances are, you aren’t.
Exactly. Women who are financially and emotionally invested in a het partnership must necessarily blind themselves to his flaws.
FCM’s post on trauma-bonding helps us understand this better.
http://radicalhub.com/2012/02/08/its-the-trauma-bonding-talking/
I like how the presumption is that I have no standards for determining whether a male (partner) is full of shit or not, or that I’m financially invested or blind or some crapola. I just must be smitten by cupid’s arrow~~~~
I’m not presuming, Iasme, really I’m not. I just know that any “standards” we develop about dudely behaviours are also by-products of patriarchy and inseparable from that context, and therefore should be looked upon with caution.